I need to call people I love and respect more often. When they call me, I need to pick up the phone and take the call. I seem to always benefit when this happens.
Thinking that some therapeutic relationships need to end for now. I’m not thinking about working as much as I am about living, which might be a good thing. Also grappling with the question, “Besides my social justice identity, what defines me?”
The world doesn’t need more conformists. If you don’t fit in, celebrate that, and then get ready to stand your ground.
– Laird Hamilton
Bipolar class tonight, more therapy tomorrow. Good day today, but more questions than answers.
Today was challenging but turned out great. My sleeping pattern definitely sets the tone for the entire day. A good strategy is proving to be to bookend the day with physical activity. Guess I’m back to early morning workouts.
Wiping out is an underappreciated skill.
– Laird Hamilton
I need to remember this as I begin to enter spaces where I learn more about what it means to be bipolar.
Today I feel much lighter than yesterday. I think I attribute the feeling to getting more sunlight and staying away from crappy foods. I think this also has a lot to do with my Vitamin D count. Normal range is supposed to be above 30. At last check, mine stood at 7… scary.
A few years ago I was watching a documentary or television show about surfing. Maybe 45 minutes in there was an interview with someone, Laird Hamilton I think, who was described as a veteran of the waves. He was shown surfing the Great Barrier Reef or someplace else equally dangerous and was asked about his time there. He replied that he loved surfing the rough waves every time, learning something new each time. The interviewer then asked him specifically about his fears on the roughest seas, wondering if he wasn’t ever afraid of the crashing surf. Laird’s face twisted a bit, then turned into a laughing smile. “Well, they ARE waves. That’s what they do. They crash, man.”
Over the course of the next few weeks, I’m going to return to this thought process as I analyze my own behavior.
“For those searching for something more than just the norm. We lay it all down, including what others call sanity, for just a few moments on waves larger than life. We do this because we know there is still something greater than all of us. Something that inspires us spiritually. We start going downhill when we stop taking risks.” – Laird Hamilton
As I sit no longer in crisis, my mind allows me some travel to an uncomfortable place of recognition. The same self that allows incredible plans and dreams is also responsible for my deepest fears and doubts. The same voice that says “anything is possible” can also say “you are insignificant.” Indeed the strangest work will be identifying the reasons why that doubting voice can seem so clear and truthful, drowning out the other beautiful dreaming voice.
Truthfully, I’ve been really sleepy today after (what I think was) a restless night. The biggest change in my life for the past year has been the recognition of just how crappy my sleep has been. As I face the truth of what I am going to be working on, it helps to know that a positive side effect will be a good night’s rest.
I was really excited a month ago to start a job with Working America. I met a lot of great people and got a great start on some projects. But because of a schedule that was harming my mind and body, unrealistic pressure I was putting on myself, and increased anxiety that resulted in attacks I had to leave a job I was starting to like. I began a heavy fight with my own mind. I am not out of the woods yet. I am healing.
I don’t talk about this much on FB but I have bipolar. I have been afraid to talk openly about it because people and employers can be very cruel. Some of you know me and know about my struggle with diagnosis and treatment, but many of you don’t. For those of you that don’t, now you do and I am going to do a better job of talking about it because silence hasn’t done me any good. Truthfully, it doesn’t do anyone any good to stay silent about their illness because ultimately the conversation can be what heals you.
I’m going to use this space to talk about my life with bipolar when I can, as much as I can, for the next thirty days and beyond. I cannot promise that what I say will be popular or even relevant for everyone. I can promise that it will be true and that I’ll say something every day, even if it is just a simple report on how I am feeling. I will not be offended if you unfollow or defriend, but I hope you’ll stick around. There’s healing in staying present for one another.
There are some people I want to thank for their support. Anice Schervish Chenault, I love you. Katie Schervish Jordan, love you bunches as well (though not as much as your sister.) Peg Schervish, love you too.