Defying the Darkness

A while back I wrote some thoughts about what people can do in a mental health crisis. I thought about what led up to my crisis and have been taking a few notes here and there about what led me to those moments. Again, this may not apply to you and I am not an expert, but here we go:

– When I first had negative thoughts that I knew were different than what I knew to be normal, my mind would go all kinds of strange places. I would second guess everything except the negative thought. Now I know that it comes from my own self-confidence. I have real moments that I struggle with knowing that I have what it takes to succeed. It is easier to deal with my doubts now that I know this about myself.
– When in my quiet moments, I now recognize that they are important to my mental health as water and time with my son. Those spaces between activity give me energy. I have never been energized by others. Classic introvert.
– I say ‘no’ more now than I ever have in my life. This is immensely useful and painful at the same time. I would rather take the pain now than suffer later.
– I am honest about how I feel now when people ask me how I am doing. It isn’t for them necessarily… It is so I hear it out loud and acknowledge it. It can make things weird but I really don’t give a damn anymore. Survival.
– When I am tired, I sleep, though now that I use a CPAP I am less so. If you are tired and don’t know why, get yourself checked out. It is worth it.
– I spend more time with family. I have learned that we are peculiar and that sometimes the best thing for you is someone that understands that.
– Organizing work is an addiction I now treat as such. Making it my last priority has kept me sane. Sorry… Not sorry.
– I am reminded by Anice that even in my darkest moments, I was there for Justice. There is something to that and I remind myself that he serves as an anchor all the time, helping me find my way back.

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