Quiet

There’s a lot going on out there.  I’m on airplanes and trains, though mostly I’m in my car driving as of late.

Sometimes when the scenery gets good to me I try to tune out all the sounds around me one at a time until all I can hear is the sound of the road.  I let the beat on the ground narrow my vision for a few seconds so the road stretches out in front of me.  I let go quickly, widening so I can see everything in front of me.  I’m especially fond of moving past Sideline Hill rest stop, riding the breeze over the turn and seeing the valley stretch out in front of me.  I’ll let the road talk me over that hill and, when I’ve had enough I’ll put something on.

Since I’m on the move, I figure you are too.  Find your own quiet place and just let the feeling of free travel move through your skin, muscles and bones.  Let the very concept of borders, deadlines, and strategic plans move to the back of your mind as the air gently pushes it along.  Isolate the thoughts that create noise, or actual noise, and let each fall back.  Even if it’s only for five minutes, give yourself the glorious gift of quiet space.  It belongs to you.

Breathe in, breathe out.  Let that sound in.  Just focus on that.

With the rhythm of your breath as a four four time, cut time, waltz… check in.

Do you hurt physically? Where is your body in this moment? Can you address your pain? What can be done immediately? Short-term? Long-term?

Do you hurt mentally? What is on your mind? How are your thoughts organized? Can you address your pain? What can be done immediately? Short-term? Long-term?

Do you hurt spiritually? How are you taking care of your spirit? What is on your soul? Can you address your pain? What can be done immediately? Short-term? Long-term?

Have you slept recently? If not, sometimes answers can be found in our dreams and rest. Rest if you can.

Have you eaten recently? If not, sometimes answers can be found in the solace of a nourished belly. Eat well, sitting down and focused on your food, if you can.

Have you had a glass of water? If not, sometimes answers can be found in this basic liquid. Drink a decent amount of water (I’d go with a pint this week, if you can handle it) and feel the feeling of it going down. This one is a little non-negotiable.

Check in again and if all is well, take care to let the world in at your pace.  Remember yourself.

Well, it has been a revealing 90 days (or so,) and we’re all wondering what it means for the future.  Yes, I’m talking about the Burnt Sienna Bromonster… but I’m also talking about the rest of us.

Right after the Inauguration, things really picked up just like how things really picked up after 45 took the election just like how things really picked up after 45 started looking better in the polls just like… you get the idea.  And I had it all figured.  My work plans were tight like my sciatica.  Wifey and I have this work travel thing locked up in terms of schedule so we felt like the bobsled team from Cool Runnings (feel the rhythm!  feel the rhyme!)  Though we were missing each other, there was so much importance attached.  Resistance!  Resilience!  All the other “R” words!

Then January became February and February became March.

April is here now and I’m staring down Easter.  I spent March in five different states and I feel … weird.  Not “people should worry” weird definitely but “was this what I intended” weird, maybe?  A kind of ill-at-ease that began to force me into a crouch psychologically was pushing at my back.  It almost felt like I was a car with a mysterious knocking sound and a “check engine” light on.  Knowing that I couldn’t solve this issue with my usual tools, I found a time to see my brain mechanic.

We went over a lot of stuff since I switched to full hour appointments post-inauguration.  It had become clear that I need a place for my mental jumbles and as I have mentioned in prior posts, I am happy to use the facilities provided to dispose of said jumbles any way I please.

One thing we worked on was the idea that I generally don’t appreciate all this travel because I’m around people all the time.  I love people…  I just don’t like them.  I’ve always been this way.  It always feels draining like some kind of emotional vampirism.  I went deeper than I have previously, sometimes even saying things that made me cover my mouth with a horrified “man, that wasn’t nice” look on my face.  When I was done, we talked about ADHD.

According to Doc, folks with my particular predicament often have this issue.  Dealing with people can often feel really draining because my mind has trouble with all the options the interactions offer.  All that data pouring through can be too much.  So maybe I’ve naturally grown a kind of protective shell to keep myself from taking in too much.  The technology probably has served me well over time, but requires a different way of operating in the world to work effectively.  Medication can help but, as always, it’s a half measure.  The rest is up to me.

We agreed, then, that quiet time is important.  I left feeling stronger and more resolved… but with new questions.  How will I find this elusive time to just be quiet?  Does quiet mean alone?

To quote Jay-Z, there are no answers to these trick questions.  There’s probably a “yes” and a “no” in there somewhere.  Really what I need to figure out is what I want my showing up to look like and how I plan on getting there.  I need to give it time and remember myself, quiet as kept or loud as fuck.

#bipolardispatches

One thought on “Quiet

  1. Love it, Reece.

    Everything comes from emptiness, everything returns to emptiness.

    Thoughts and feelings are the same way.

    Thoughts and feelings can be overwhelming — one after the other after another — endlessly!

    Even when we’re sleeping but not really sleeping — a shallow stream of unfinished cogitation, in word or image, running ceaselessly through the mind.

    Then you really go out, and return to the emptiness, and get real rest.

    This is deep sleep.

    When “you” return to the emptiness.

    Quiet is when the thoughts recede and dissolve into the emptiness.

    Meditation is sustained quiet.

    While they’re running through the mind, we think we ARE those thoughts.

    We’re tracking them one by one, and since they’re happening in our head, we think — “I AM these thoughts” or “I AM these feelings”.

    These feelings and thoughts come from nothingness and return to nothingness. Listen and understand!

    Quiet is the space between and around thoughts.

    Quiet is always there, eternally there, eternally waiting to be listened to. Even when the thoughts are running, the quiet is behind them, unchanged. It requires practice and change of focus — detachment and alertness.

    In reality “I” don’t even listen to the quiet — the quiet IS.

    “I” is a thought that comes from the quiet and returns to quiet.

    So thoughts are allowed to come and go — whose thoughts are they anyway?

    “Mine”?

    Who am “I”?

    “I” is a thought that comes and goes.

    The “I” we think of as being our self is a constellation of memories held together by feelings.

    A habit.

    What if there were no memories? Whose thoughts then?

    This is something I’m practicing, too.

    People do feed off of emotional energy.

    One must love to be whole.

    So, it’s not wrong to love and yet not to like — it’s perfectly sane.

    Keep listening to the source of thoughts — eternal resonance with the silent source.

    Liked by 1 person

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